Tis' the Season of the Frenemy

Recently, I’ve had many a conversation with friends about frustration related to friends or “ frenemies.”

We discussed those annoying friends who secretly compete with you, who attempt to make you seem unimportant, and who bring you down.

Dictionary.com defines frenemy as:

a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.

While urbandictionary.com ( which I prefer for a good laugh) defines it as:

A person in your life (usually friend or coworker) that you get along with and enjoy overall company but will cut you down with virtually any opportunity.

I’ve always looked at the term lightheartedly because let’s face it, sometimes your closest friend will talk behind your back.

It may not be a big deal initially, we all need sounding boards in a conflict and we secretly want validation to be right when your friend or loved one may not agree with your behavior or POV.

Example:

My friend is upset that I could not watch her daughter at the last minute. My husband overhears the dispute, and I may divulge. He offers his opinion, making me a valor for standing up to her, increasing my primitive need to be correct. I brood with that, while my friend may also feel justified in her anger. We avoid each other for a week but cut up while we catch up on drinks during the weekend. No shade, no bad blood, we were just getting on each other’s nerves LOL

Such is the reality of life. No one is perfect, therefore, no friendships is. What makes a friendship beautiful, is having conflict but allowing the strength of the friendship to prevail over it. This would not be your frenemy.

But….

If you consider the urban dictionary’s definition of the word, it’s vile and makes the aforementioned example of natural conflict seem like child’s play.

The part that worries me the most is the fact the person “ will cut you down with virtually any opportunity.”

I honestly can’t enjoy the company of someone who is cutting me down either behind my back to someone else, or more dangerously; in their mind.

When it’s in the person’s mind, you’ll know. You’ll feel the energy and you’ll feel the vibe.

This is an abstract concept that I’ve suggested to some of my friends as we’ve discussed the issue of “ frenemies.”

These friends secretly believe they are superior to you and cut you down.

They don’t believe you deserve anything you have, friends, success, attention, love/romance, and find a way to minimize your happiness, making it seem unimportant while they secretly want the same for themselves.

I recall years ago, I lost a significant amount of weight and I received many compliments from others but received negativity from a few of my coworkers, yet the same who attempted to insult me, rushed to lose weight as well or even resorted to ask me for tips. It’s clear my weight loss was bothersome to the attention I received and the confidence I had. How dare, I receive attention, and to them I didn’t deserve it.

Also, when I wrote a book, something I’ve always wanted to do for nothing more than encouraging other women. I received a lot of support and encouragement, but I also received negativity, both overt and subtle. The subtle was tricky because it came in the form of fake love and weird energy, again you just know.

The way I handled those encounters with “ haters/frenemies” (not mutually exclusive) and how I would encourage others to deal with frenemies or anyone else in your life who attempts to cut you down, is a simple formula….Gratitude!

I can’t count the Instagram memes that demand you cut off toxic people but I do not always agree that alone is sufficient. I feel that gratitude holds greater power.

You cannot control frenemies/haters’ feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, but gratitude gives you power to appreciate the love and support you receive from those who are genuine in your life.

Focus on the ones who bring you up and cheer you on despite an occasional dispute. Never confuse the two, a conflict with a friend is a part of life, get used to it but learn to discern between conflict and someone who is tearing you down to your face, behind your back, or worse, in their heart and mind.