Guilty when at Peace

I am horrible at being still.

Some nights I can’t sleep because I’m so engaged all day and my body can’t unwind easily....so I’ll stay awake.

In my awakened state, I’m still charged from my day and use this time to plan, write, email, return texts, laugh in my group chats, and complete applications.

I should be asleep but I can’t because I’m guilty when at peace.

I’ve been so conditioned from childhood that “free time” should be spent “productively;" what a dangerous message received from my Jamaican upbringing.

I remember after a week of AP classes, studying for the Regents, SAT prep, Student Government and Leadership projects, trainings, conferences, Friday Young People’s Meeting, church, and two part time jobs, my Dad took pride in reminding me how "wotless" I was for sleeping late on a Saturday. In turn, I would spend some weekends by my aunt who would bang pots and pans as an alarm, and sing a song about nasty women who sleep all day and don’t clean the house, and as a result will never get married.

Imagine the horror!

You’d be shocked how much those messages stick. Now if you truly know me, you’d know finding a partner has never consumed my agenda, but the restlessness that drives me to create a spreadsheet at 3 am ( not mania) and prevents me from relaxing, still plagues me to this day.

I advocate the practice of a quiet mind, not because I am perfection personified, but because I'm not only a client, I'm the President of guilt-led-productivity ( I just coined this phrase lol).

Over time, I've learned the difference between laziness and rest, and I know the positive impact of being still.

Beware the curse of burnout! It takes on the form of productivity but it can lead you down of path of feeling disconnected, emotionally drained, and physically ill.

Enjoy your peace!